as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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