I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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