I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
