sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
