i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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