Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
