By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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