I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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