I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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