we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
