I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Randomize