stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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