dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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