Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
