who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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