Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
