No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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