Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you would pick up someone in the library
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
