can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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