you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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