I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
