I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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