Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
