my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
