In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
