she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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