he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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