U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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