i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
