I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
