I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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