I need to stop coming to work sober
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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