I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
