She's JV to your varsity
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize