I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
