I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Never underestimate the power of titties
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
