mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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