around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
