Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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