Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
