We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
