Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize