Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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