an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
