did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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