so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
