#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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