I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize