I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
