i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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