My boss' voice literally gives me gas
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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