cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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