Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Help. Why am I so naked?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize