dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
