You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
