i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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