i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
