we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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