if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
